My whole childhood has been a collection of careless decisions. From the ages 5-16, I was a rude, nasty little girl. Stealing from my family, friends, my parents’ clients, school, stores, everyone and everything. I was always yellings and throwing fits. I had been in 3 physical fights with my mother, and stabbed a babysitter with a pencil, been ban from a mall, and the list goes on.
At 14 I met a 19 year old university student and got pregnant at 15. Now, this was probably my karma for leaving my breast cancer-fighting mother alone to care for herself while I had sex in the back of my boyfriend’s car behind some warehouse. (Yea I was a HORRIBLE person). Actually, my karma was when I got cancer myself, at 16. Two weeks after giving birth to my daughter, I woke up not being able to move my left arm and hand. I wasn’t able to move a muscle, other than the involuntary twitching of 3 of my fingers. After months of testing, they finally found I had cancer. I had a tumor the size of a quarter on the right hemisphere of my brain. I went 3 BRUTAL months of chemotherapy. Unlike most cancer patients who come for a treatment and leave, I lived at the hospital for 3 months. I lost all my hair, I was puking every day, I couldn’t eat because the sores in my mouth were so big and painful, I lost soooo much weight. I looked sick, I was sick. Not just my body, but my mind. My personality was sick. Sickly disgusting.
Now you would think after going through something like that a person would change, right? Well, not exactly.
Now I was 17, I definitely changed a little. I was much nicer and appreciative of life, but I was young and single with a child, and I was angry. Now before you assume the worst, and you have all right too, I did not harm my child. I loved that little girl to bits, and I never laid a hand on her.But, I did abandon her. (And maybe that is worse than abusing a child). But this happened 4 years later…. before that I took her EVERYWHERE! I didn’t leave home without that little princess, and everything I had I gave to her. I was alway there for her and I loved her to bits! But I did give her the WORST 4th birthday present ever.
Three weeks before her 4th birthday I met, up you guessed it, a boy. (Clearly, I had daddy issues.) I left my own daughters birthday party early so I could go out with this boy. Not to go into to much detail, because that relationship will be a post on its own, but I left my daughter. For 3 years on and off, I was gone for months at a time. I left my mother, my brother, and his girlfriend to deal with my daughter. Even during the times, I was home, I wasn’t mentally there because I was so caught up in our “breakup” all I didn’t was think about him. But, I officially came back into my daughter’s life shortly after she turned 6.
Two months after her 6 birthday, I moved her and myself into a beautiful apartment. This was it. This was my time to change. Sigh, still not there. That moving out and growing up plan was a fail! It was more of a waste all my money on food and makeup and put myself more in debt plan. This lasted only 7 months before I was fired from my AMAZING job for not caring enough. So my daughter and I picked up and back to my mothers we went.
After moving back to my mothers, I didn’t do anything for 4 months. I went into a sad, dark place. I ate everything in sight and laid in bed all day. I was so disappointed by all the mindless desicions I made. I was so disgusted with myself. I just wanted to die. I felt so lost.
And this brings us to present day….